The battle between the Soul-eater and the Cranky-Bloated-WeirdHaired-girl

It seems like this blog is all about small victories, so the following are some of my most recent ones.
I have this app that keeps track of my period and other period-related stuff. I have been faithfully using it for a while now, so it is becoming pretty good at predicting my future. Since the first time I noticed the accuracy of it, I have been working on giving myself some grace during my shittiest days. I still get surprised almost every month by the information that it is expected for me to be feeling that way, but now whenever I check the app and its there I just kinda feel relieved: I don’t need to fight it! It is me versus biology, it is not going to be a fair duel. So I just let it be. And that’s small victory number one. It may sound not much of a big deal, but for my anxious self, oh boy, it is. It is like my body allowing me to do what I struggle so much to do with everything else every day of my life, that is, to just let it go, let it be, live and let live, whatever other songs you could quote. It is as if my uterus canalized the combined powers of my therapist, my Alan Watts books, my attempt to yoga and meditation, and just Kamehameha the shit out of my regular bullshit. It feels awesome. I couldn’t thank that app enough. But the interesting thing is that once I let it go, almost immediately I come to feel not as bad as before. I look at that day that seemed faded to be terrible and as soon as I give it permission to be whatever, it decides to shape itself differently.
Now, small victory number two comes as a consequence of the one before.
Unfortunately, it is easy for me to lose balance on things. Sometimes I apply the same rule to different situations in a very not smart way. Allowing myself to feel down when I feel down can easily be misinterpreted by my sometimes self-saboteur brain as an excuse to not do anything about literally, anything. It is one thing to understand that feelings will be there and that not feeling them is basically locking them inside for longer than they should be; It is a whole different deal to confuse that with simply not doing whatever tasks you should be doing (especially if there are other people relying on you), or any self-care activities you know you would benefit from doing, and that can be as simple as taking a shower, eating a proper meal, etc. We all know some stages of anxiety, depression, and/or other mental illness can really make it feel like you are not capable of fighting these misinterpretations, and if this is your case and you need help to simply ask for help, let this blog be a place where you can feel free to require this assistance. But in my particular case, I have been on a path of acquiring tools to handle these situations properly, and self-awareness is only one of these tools: there’s so much you can learn about yourself before you decide to take action! We can get so addicted to our own narrative of pain, sometimes it looks like we are growing but we aren’t doing more than just collecting more reasons to hurt our inside. So I know that no knowledge can ever guarantee that I will always choose a less painful road, but I am sure going to celebrate the days I get to choose well. This past weekend was a long one because of a national holiday. I had a long and tiring work week before it, so I gave myself the time to rest. But I had to do some things that would help me have a happier week, like doing groceries, cooking, and planning my next classes in advance. Saturday I was feeling emotionally loaded, I had a therapy session, and all the feelings and thoughts one could have, plus I was still exhausted from the week. So I took most of the day to rest. Sunday I woke up feeling extra grumpy and I decided that would also be a day dedicated to nothingness. It is fair to point out that maybe if it was easy for me to simply let myself rest, one day would’ve been enough, but whenever I force myself to just relax I mostly don’t, but that’s something to discuss in some other post in the future. I still had Monday off and it would have to be enough time for me to do all those things. And it was. But guess what? That was the day when PMS was being completely merciless with my little heart and body. I swear to all the gods, I was feeling like the ultimate sad trash. I was slow and lazy, and just not wanting to do all those things. But I did it! And I still kinda can’t believe I did. There was some evil soul-eater thing inside of me trying to convince me to just send everything to hell and lay down but I fought it, and I won. And it was still hard to sleep at night, I am super tired today but my classes were prepared, my students were happy, my lunch was ready for after my morning shift and I feel like a champion. Also, I woke up bloated and cranky and with weird looking hair, but I turned it into a fun hairstyle and after some light make up on I was ready to face this day. I still need to teach three more classes today, post this and do much more. But the bottom line is things are getting done. I keep trying, today and I will try every other day after the next one. May you all kill your own soul-eater’s every day as well.

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