I am worth the try

Last week, after quite a long time not working, I finally decided to start teaching English classes for people who need to improve conversation. I knew of some friends who were in need of it, so I offered lessons, and most of them jumped into it. I also posted about it on my Instagram stories and got a good amount of people interested. So this week I am scheduled for 30 hours of classes for 12 different students. I am not charging anyone for this first week, but I hope at least half of them will stick around once I start charging.
I am very excited about the possibility of making online teaching a stable business because it would fit my willingness to get back to travel around the world whenever this is possible again. And even though I am currently very anxious about “do I really got it?”, I know despite needing the money, I truly want to help people to become bilingual. So my heart is in the right place, I am not trying to take advantage of anyone. But my impostor syndrome is working hard to convince me otherwise. 

While I was in between my first and second classes of today, I decided to check social media, and before I realized I was trying to stalk my ex. I blocked him from seeing my posts a few days ago but I was still able to find him on Instagram. But now I think he blocked me too. It is completely acceptable and I can rationalize it, especially when I remember being drunk this weekend and telling his mother I would have to block her because it was too painful to see anything related to him, including her adorable self. But immediately after noticing it my heart started beating so fast, and my stomach hurt so bad that I thought I would, I don’t know, die. Suddenly my phone rings to inform me I have to get back to teaching, but my body was still stuck in that not finding him moment and I just couldn’t let it go.

Still, I had to proceed to my teaching position, and that’s when something crazy started to happen: I was fully immersed in thinking about my ex and all of our problems, my heart was heavy and I was literally feeling physical pain, but my mouth was still wide open talking about the ways to become bilingual. It was almost as if there were three of me; One was teaching, the other was agonizing and a third one was watching the first two from somewhere else above my understanding. It went like that for the entire 50 minutes class. By the time I finished, I was feeling just as bad as in the beginning, but somehow I know I still gave my student a good class. Now, how on earth?

I remember trying to relax during my lunch break and read a newsletter I get every Monday on my email, doing some french Duolingo, replying to text messages, etc. Still, none of those things were helping me release my anxiety. So I went for meditation.
For probably half of my 20 minutes guided meditation, I was trying so hard to shake those bad feelings away but I was feeling like it would never ever leave me again. I guess that’s basically how anxiety works, but all the self-awareness one works on raising seems to be insufficient once a crisis strikes.

But then, by the end of the meditation, I somehow got back to the state of contemplating the version of me who was freaking out and feel kinda amazed by it. I started to feel incredibly surprised by how our brains can work on so many different things at the same time, take us to such an incredible number of places in about 10 seconds, and because of that, I was able to say “thank you” for the part of me that was still giving the attention my students needed while suffering the loss of a long time relationship; To thank me for using the resources available to try and change my current mood. And so finally my heartbeat and breathing started to get back to normal and things were a little more clear or just a little less urgent.

This is neither a zen life propaganda nor a guide through healing from a break-up. I guess that ultimately my conclusion to this experience is simply that some things can be done to make a stressful situation go away. Or not even go away, but just be less of a pain. And I realize this is not a big found out, but most of us just really need this to be a constant reminder. I know I do. Because it happens over and over, and if I don’t make peace with it, I will feel like a big failure. I will feel like all the therapy and the time taken to raise the knowledge I now have about my own being was for nothing. I need to believe that if I have to re-do it all every time it does not mean there is something wrong with me. It just means that that’s what it takes. And most of all, that I will always be worth the try.

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